


Finding Unity

by brokenhighways



Series: Finding Happiness [5]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-22
Updated: 2014-09-22
Packaged: 2018-02-18 10:25:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2345024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenhighways/pseuds/brokenhighways
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been a long time since Jared's been jealous of anything with this much intensity. The fact that he is right now is stupid. This is what he's wanted all along, for Jensen to make some friends and let people in. He maybe didn't go about it in the right way but he only ever had Jensen's best interests at heart. Now, as he watches Jensen laughing along with Danneel and her friend Chris, he wonders if maybe he underestimated Jensen and pushed too hard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finding Unity

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own any of these people.

It's been a long time since Jared's been jealous of anything with this much intensity. The fact that he is right now is stupid. This is what he's wanted all along, for Jensen to make some friends and let people in. He maybe didn't go about it in the right way, but he only ever had Jensen's best interests at heart. Now, as he watches Jensen laughing along with Danneel and her friend Chris, he wonders if maybe he underestimated Jensen and pushed too hard. He can't say that he imagined a future in which they'd live separate lives and not tell each other everything the way they used to. Jensen doesn’t exactly appreciate Jared attempts to get more information judging by the conversation that they had earlier.

_“I didn’t realize that you were friends with Danneel now?” He realizes as he asks the questio_ n _that it’s one he’s asked a few times before._

_“Why do you always do that?” Jensen’s response is short and to the point. He’s pissed and well aware that this isn’t the first time he’s been asked this._

_“Do what?” He plays dumb, hoping to diffuse_ _this argument before it actually comes into fruition._

_“You see me talking to someone else and you turn into freaking Columbo! How about you just drop it?!”_

"Why are you staring at Jensen and his friends like they have three heads?" Chad asks through a mouthful of Doritos. Jared throws a napkin at him and turns away from the kitchen doorway. "Wasn't this what you wanted?'

"Yes," Jared says in a low and sullen tone. "And I'm realizing just how much I suck. If this is how I feel watching him hang out with friends, how the hell was I making him feel when I was out with Justin and his friends every day?" It's a decidedly shitty feeling to watch as Jensen smiles and laughs with two strangers when some days he can barely look at Jared. Jared doesn't know what he's done, or if it's still residual tension left over from their break-up, but he does know that he hates it. He misses Jensen a lot, even though they see each other on a daily basis.

"You need to figure out how you're going to sort everything out," Chad says as he slurps his drink loudly. Jared starts to wonder if his senses get heightened when he's jealous or maybe Chad's just always been this gross. "You're miserable and he's miserable. You might as well be less miserable together." Jared decides to ignore that because as much as he loves Chad, he tends to give shitty advice.

"He refuses to talk about _us_ or anything that makes him feel something," Jared confesses. "Just yesterday we had a full blown conversation about some pet food commercial. It's pure torture and it's _my_ fault." If Jared kept his mouth shut, he'd still be with Jensen and he wouldn't feel this intense loneliness all the time, like a piece of him is missing, or like the world is ending (and while that sounds a little dramatic, that’s how he feels).

"It's not your fault, man. You guys were – well, you _are_ \- both messed up and both projecting shit onto each other. You're to blame and he's to blame. If he can't see that you're genuinely cut up about everything, that's his problem." Chad is saying the right words, but Jared doesn't believe them. He just wants to fix things.

"He keeps asking me if I've called my parents," he says. "And the truth is I'm more wrapped up with sorting things out with him that I am with wanting to call them."

"Why the fuck would you call your loser parents?" Chad asks angrily. "No offence."

Jared laughs shakily. "He thinks that I miss them and that I don't belong in a world where I'm all alone and some other shit like that. The sad thing is that he's right but, I just feel like once I call them - that's it. I'll be stuck doing what he does. Pretending that I'm okay with what they did when really, I'm still hurt. And - that's only if they're willing to talk to me."

“And have you told him that?” Chad replies patiently. “Without making it sound like he’s doing something wrong by asking you to call?”

“I thought you were on _my_ side,” Jared says petulantly. He knows that he’s been stupid about this entire situation but it’s one thing to _think_ it and another to hear it said out loud.

“I am,” Chad insists. “But probably only because I’ve heard your side. You said that you guys were co-dependent and that you thought you needed to figure out who you were _individually_. You were the one who said that you needed space and that you thought Jensen would do well to make some friends and get out every once in a while. You said all of that, right?”

“Well, yeah, but--”

Chad interrupts. “Nope. No buts. Or well. No butts until you guys kiss and make up. Heh. Anyway, you can’t have it both ways, man. Just talk to him and try not to come out all defensive. Just be honest.”

~

Jared’s still thinking about Chad’s advice when he receives a letter from Jensen’s mom. It’s brief and to the point - she wants him to come and see her. He’s confused at first until he remembers that Jensen goes to see her more frequently these days - a fact that he’s never been given a reason for. Their communication about anything personal has been reduced to a series of grunts and monosyllabic answers and Jared wishes they could go back to the old days when they could talk for hours without worrying about saying the wrong thing, back when they understood each other.

When he shows Jensen the letter, there’s no reaction, or at least not the one he was hoping for. Instead Jensen hands the letter back and shrugs, turning his attention back to the television screen.

“Is there a specific reason why she wants to see me?” he asks when it becomes apparent that he’s not going to get a verbal reaction.

“How am I supposed to know?” Jensen mutters in a tone that indicates that he does know. Jared still doesn’t know much about the situation with Jensen’s mom and he hasn't asked.

"How have your visits been going?" Jared asks, deciding to change tactics. "You haven't said much about them."

"Look, if you want to go and see her, you can. I don't really care." Except it sounds like he does care; it sounds like he cares a lot.

"So you can tell me to call my parents but I can't ask about your mom?" Jared says. "Isn't that a bit of a double standard?"

"Our situations are very different," Jensen says. "You want to be all normal and whatever and you owe it to yourself to find out if they still care. My mother is...she's still the same person she always was. We are never going to have an easy relationship." Jared rolls his eyes at the normal comment because he’s never said anything of the sort, and he’s not sure why Jensen thinks that he wants some fairy-tale-type life all of a sudden.

"I understand that and that's why I don't push you to forgive her or go and see and. If you going to see her more often is because of me – then I'm sorry."

Jared doesn’t want to make this about him, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that the frequent visiting started around the time of the landlord situation, and the only reason they were in that mess was because he’d been stupid and trusted the wrong person. Even now that they are out of the life and supposedly safe, he’s _still_ fucking up. The worst part is that he can’t say anything because what he feels doesn’t matter at this point, what matters is the fact that Jensen’s now in an awkward position because of his actions. Not that Jensen will ever say anything to make Jared feel as if it’s his fault.

"It's not your fault and...I just, it's really hard to talk to her when I have everything up here," Jensen pauses to tap his head. "I sit down in front of her and it's like a dam bursts every time and the memories pour out and no matter how hard I try, I can't stop them." He doesn’t know all of what Jensen went through and he’s not sure that he ever will but for the first time since he’s met Jensen, Jared thinks that it might be time for him to let the past go. By that same logic, he’s got to let the past with his parents go, even if they don’t want to hear from him - he can’t let what happened in the past dictate his _future_. He can’t do that, or he’ll end up like Jensen. And he knows that Jensen came to that conclusion a long time ago, hence the recent push for him to call his parents.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jared asks, deciding to keep his revelation to himself. “About what happened before… after you ran away?” He’s told Jensen his story - not that it’s much of a story - he packed a bag, got on a bus, changed buses and somehow ended up in a place that wasn’t quite New York City. That’s pretty much it, counting the part where he met Jensen for the first time. No matter how much he feels sorry for himself, Jared knows that he’s probably had it easier than most. He went into selling himself with his eyes open, with someone to guide him and his sleazy landlord and that one guy who was addicted to coke aside, it could have been a lot worse than it was.

“Will talking about it actually help?” Jensen says. It’s less than the refusal that Jared was expecting, but it’s still a question that he can’t answer well.

He shrugs. “Well, it’s not like the situation can get any worse.” Jensen smiles at that and Jared returns it. It would be easy to just lean forward and...pretend that they’re still together, to find the comfort that was once enough but Jared’s not going to do that to Jensen, or to _himself_. They owe to each other to figure their shit out before they try again - _if_ they try again.

Jensen’s smile dims slowly and is replaced by a more somber expression. The one that means he’s about to say something that Jared won’t like.

“Don’t.”

“What?” Jensen says. “I didn’t say anything.”

“I know, but you’re going to and...you shouldn’t,” Jared says, knowing that he’s not making any sense to Jensen. Can’t they just have this _one_ moment where things are okay?

“You know, I do things, say things and sometimes leave out things and I tell myself that I’m protecting you and…” Jensen trails off for a moment before he looks up and meets Jared’s gaze dead-on. “That’s exactly what my mom was telling herself all those years ago. She did all the crazy shit so she could put food on the table, she was only in that store because she was trying to protect _me_ and...it’s funny isn’t it. People try to protect others for the greater good but sometimes it just leads to _hurt_ \- the very opposite of what they were trying to achieve.”

“Just spit it out, Jensen,” Jared says calmly. He’s used to this, the grand speech before Jensen reveals something that he should have done earlier, the explanation before the declaration and it annoys him more than he’d like to admit.

“There’s a missing persons report out on you,” Jensen says quietly. “And I’ve known about it almost as long as I’ve known you.” Jared gives himself a moment to let the words sink in. His parents cared enough to tell the police that he was gone, but not enough to stop him from leaving in the first place. Still, he waits for the anger to hit him, waits for a sense of betrayal, hell, any emotion to hit him but there’s nothing. Just...a blankness and not the kind where he’s too numb to feel anything, this just...isn’t as important as it would have been back then. _This_ is his life now, he realizes, being here with Jensen. Not having Sunday roast with his parents or shooting hoops in the backyard with his dad, or roughhousing with his siblings. He’s not the same Jared anymore and he’s okay with that.

“Okay,” he says when he catches Jensen giving him a worried look. “I’m not mad at you for not telling me.”

“That’s not why I’m telling you,” Jensen replies. “Not that I’d blame you if you were mad.”

“I’m not, but...thank you for telling me. Now I know that you have a reason so what is it? Why is this so important? And, while we’re at it, is this why you’ve been pushing me to call them?”

Jensen exhales and rubs a hand over his eyes, sinking back into the couch slowly. He looks tired and Jared wishes that there was something he could do, like wave a magic wand and make Jensen happy, even if it was just for one day.

“When I ran away, I was just a scared kid and I was hurting and pissed at my mom for leaving me when she said that she’d never leave. I could have gone to the cops but...I just ran. And I was young, I didn’t think that we’d be apart for as long as we were or what effect my disappearance would have on her. And I know that it isn’t my fault - I _know_ that, but she still hurt herself because she thought she’d lost me and I...I don’t want you to have that on your conscience.”

“Wait, she told you this?” Jared feels himself getting angry as he wonders what kind of parent would tell their kid things like that, especially one whose kid ran away when he was twelve. He decides there and then that he’s going to see her and give her a piece of his mind. He might not know her but he knows one thing. She’s hurting Jensen and he needs her to stop. Jensen needs her to stop.

“Yes and after today I won’t push you again but...just think about it, okay?” Jared nods even though it’s not his parents that he’s thinking about.

~

Jared thinks about it and eventually decides to just get it over and done with. He finds himself staring at the number for a long time before he gives up and hands his phone to Jensen. "You do it and I'll answer if anyone picks up."

Jensen takes it from him silently and after a brief pause he hits the call button.

~

It’s the day after the phone call and Jared’s at the bar with Justin and his friends, thinking about his life. It seems to be all he does lately and he wonders when everything is just going to stop. Things with Jensen are still weird and he doesn’t really have anyone to talk to when Chad isn’t around. He knows that Jensen would listen, even if he didn’t want to but right now it would just be one layer of awkward on top of another and he isn’t in the mood for that.

“Hey, what’s up with you?” Justin says when he notices that Jared’s been quiet.

“Just...life, I guess,” Jared says, deliberately revealing as little as possible. Justin’s...not really the kind of friend that Jared would confide in and neither are the rest of them. There’s no doubt in his mind about that. Some days he wonders why he still hangs out with them. And right now, as Justin hands him a suspicious looking bag containing a little white pill, he thinks he knows why. He leaves the bag on the table and climbs out of the booth. Justin’s barely paying attention to him and Jared almost laughs as he turns to leave.

He doesn’t bother saying goodbye.

By the time he gets home, Jensen’s out. Jared finds the note, crumples it up and tosses it into the trash. The jealousy’s faded away now and he’s just happy that Danneel and Chris are people that Jensen feels comfortable with and not the shallow, absorbent type, like Justin. He settles down with a glass of water and goes back to thinking about his life.

_“So...that sounded like it went well,” Jensen is saying once Jared hangs up. Jared’s too busy wondering if he’s imagining things. “What did they say?” He doesn’t know how to answer that._

_“It was just my mom, my dad was out,” he says slowly. “She said all of the right things. How am I? Am I doing well? She misses me. My brother and sister are fine, and oh, my brother got married. Dad’s doing well, he’s planning for retirement. She said all of the right things but....”_

_“She didn’t say sorry,” Jensen finishes the sentence and they sit there silently for a moment. Jared’s expectations were low but...somehow her pretending that nothing ever happened just doesn’t sit well with him and he refuses to allow her to fuck up all of the progress he’s made._

_“I’m not calling them again.” He means it; he’s not going to keep putting himself through the emotional rollercoaster. Maybe he’s not as forgiving as Jensen, or maybe he’s just not willing to give them a chance. All he knows is that he can’t do it. They’re okay and he’s okay. They can all be okay, far, far away from each other._

_“If that’s what you want,” Jensen replies after a few minutes._

The only thing Jared wants is for life to stop being so damn hard, but he knows that won’t happen overnight - and it might not happen at all. He grabs his phone and pauses on Jensen's name, sure that if he called, Jensen would come back, no questions asked. The selfish part of Jared wants to call just for the sake of it, but he manages to hold himself back.

~

Prison doesn’t look the way Jared thought it would, or at least this one doesn’t. He’s expecting a tall, dark and gloomy building but really it just looks normal. Even the prisoners look normal, not that he does too much observing. Being here is already awkward enough as it is…..

Jensen’s mom looks like him, that’s the first thing that he notices...blah, blah…

“So you’re Jared,” she says as she sits down. She looks younger than he expected but kind of...weathered at the same time. Jared supposes that prison will do that to someone.

“That’s me,” he replies with a weak smile. “Not to be rude or anything, but why did you send me a visiting order?” Making small talk isn’t too much for him, but Jared thinks that it’s better that they both cut to the chase. The situation with Jensen’s mom is nothing to do with him and it’s going to stay that way until he’s asked specifically to get involved.

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” she says slowly. “I just wanted to put a name to the face. And ask you how my son is doing.”

“How he’s doing?” Jared echoes. “You see him once a fortnight, can’t you ask him?”

She shrugs. “He’s gotten very good at being evasive and...I don’t know all of his mannerisms and tics as well as I would if I’d been around. So...how’s he doing?”

“Not good,” Jared says a little angrily. He knows that Jensen won’t thank him for it, but he needs to put her in her place. “Some of what you’ve told him is weighing a little heavy on his mind. It brings up memories that he doesn’t want to remember.”

“I am sorry about that but...we can’t sit here and lie to each other,” she says a little defensively. “When he was a little boy I told him _everything_ and it was okay. He could take it. He was a good boy.”

Jared sighs. “He’s not that boy anymore and...there are things he maybe doesn’t need to know. He doesn’t need to know that you were so down that you... _did_ something and he doesn’t need to know about every little thing that happened to you. You’re the parent here.”

“And you think you know what’s best for my son?”

“No, I don’t,” Jared replies honestly. “But I know that you’re hurting him and I want you to stop.” He feels bad about being so hard on her, yet her being upset is nothing compared to the pain he sees in Jensen’s eyes. Right now he doesn’t care about her feelings, he only cares about making sure that Jensen’s set on the right path to finally putting the past behind him. She’s silent for a long time and Jared sits there across from her, praying that he hasn’t fucked everything up. He finds himself wishing that she’d found someone, the way he found Jensen. Looking after a kid at such a young age couldn’t have been easy; especially with her parents out of the picture. Speaking of parents…

“Jensen mentioned that you’re in contact with your parents?” Jared’s curious, has been since Jensen mentioned that his grandparents were looking to offer him financial support.

“Well, they pay my legal bills and my mom writes me letters, y’know, the kind where she rambles on about church and how everything is the same, blah, blah. I wish she wouldn’t bother.”

“And are they serious about wanting to help Jensen?”

“I think so,” she says. “They feel guilty. It’s why they offered to help in the first place but….I will never forgive them for what they did.”

“For kicking you out?” Jared asks, trying his best to keep his voice steady and calm.

“No, for….” she trails off and looks down at the table. “I’m not sure if I should tell you, especially after what you said about Jensen.”

“I can’t promise that I’ll keep anything a secret but...I can be discreet if I need to be,” Jared offers, though he’s not sure why he cares so much. The only thing he has in common with her is Jensen. Her being kicked out doesn’t compare to his situation. Yet...he can’t help but wonder if he knows how she feels. It must be hard to have parents that abandoned you sniffing around, especially if she hasn’t forgiven them.

“When I was sentenced, they said they were putting Jensen into the care system and I called my parents about a million times,” she says. “I called, my lawyer called, I just needed them to do this _one_ thing for me - to look after my boy but they didn’t respond. It was like they didn’t care.”

“Did they ever say that they were sorry?” Jared asks.

“They’re paying my legal fees,” she answers. “That’s the only apology I’m ever going to get but I don’t need one, y’know? An apology doesn’t change what happened and...for Jensen’s sake, I had to get over it and focus on finding him. I haven’t had the time to stay mad at them.”

“But you said that you wouldn’t forgive them?”

“Right? But that’s different from resenting them. I don’t resent them anymore.”

“Oh.”

“Look, I called you here to say that my son still loves you and judging by what I’ve seen today, you still love him. Don’t be like me or _your_ parents. Don’t waste time pretending that you’re okay with being apart. Life’s too short.”

“Do they have Agony Aunts in prison?” Jared jokes, because he’s not sure what he can say to her advice. Things might seem that simple from the other side, but out there in the real world it isn’t that easy. There are things that he and Jensen need to work through, self-improvements that need to be made. Maybe then they can see about trying again, but right now all Jared wants is there to be some unity. He doesn’t want to walk into a room only to see Jensen walk out. He wants them to be friends again.

“I know I haven’t earned my right to dish out wisdom, but I don’t want you boys to suffer because of what people have done to you,” she says. “I need you both to fight. And hopefully one day I’ll be out of here to see it with my own eyes.”

~

The day after he visits prison, Jared's curled up on the couch at four in the morning watching one of those twenty four hour news channels when Jensen comes out to join him. He would laugh at the irony but he's kind of depressed from watching the news. His life suddenly seems so mundane when he compares it to others. For instance, he still _has_ a life. He still has his best friend by his side. He turns to give Jensen a brief smile, snorting to himself when he gets a bleary-eyed stare in return.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" Jensen asks in a muffled tone. He's always been a light sleeper so it's no surprise that he woke up in the middle of the night. Jared doesn't know why he isn't sleeping, so he says the first thing that comes to mind.

"I miss you," he says. "I miss _us_." That wakes Jensen up and Jared watches as every single muscle in his body seemingly tenses up. Jensen's been avoiding the topic since, despite the fact that he watches Jared when he thinks no one is watching. He still gives Jared _that_ look sometimes. Jared knows that Jensen still loves him and he knows that they still have some growing to do before they can put things right. He just wants it on the record that he misses Jensen.

"I...I miss us too," Jensen replies. They share a look, and it’s one that they haven’t given each other for a while. Long and deep, almost as if they’re both trying to tell each other something but can’t find the words. For a moment it looks as if Jensen’s about to speak but he looks away, leaving Jared with his heart thudding in his chest. After taking a deep breath, he reaches over and grabs Jensen’s hand, squeezing it slightly as he turns his attention back to the television. He feels Jensen’s gaze on him but he looks straight ahead, fighting the urge to turn around. Jensen’s squeezes back and places their joint hands in his lap.

Neither of them says a word after that.

**Fin**.

Next up: The last part ;)


End file.
